omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
