NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
4 words: hood of his car
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
