Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
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So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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