Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
