I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How naked do you want me to be?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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