You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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