the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
