You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
