did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
