I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
