This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
