that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
