The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
