Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
