My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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