I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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