My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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