remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
