just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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