He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
