cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
