6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
