I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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