Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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