I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I came so hard my ears popped.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
