It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
