I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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