pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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