my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
