i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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