I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
