You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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