I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
