my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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