i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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