If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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