I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
