i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
