I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
