Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
