Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
