After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
