Plan B is the new Plan A
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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