Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
