Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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