I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
