and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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