I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
