nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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