remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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