my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
