I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
