I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
