oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
