Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
