Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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