i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize