The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
