I think my vagina is haunted
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
